Beauty and the Beast
The most beautiful thing I have accomplished in my life is my marriage.
I never really saw myself as someone that would settle down into a marriage. In fact, I believe I was afraid of it. My parents divorced after at least fifteen years of being together. I didn't want to have to go through that. I saw how it tore my mother apart. I figured that if I never got married, I wouldn't ever have to face the possibility of that pain.
I was promiscuous to say the least, jumping from relationship to relationship. Starting at an early age, I always searched for "love in the wrong places". In fact, I had a counselor tell me when I was a teenager that my behavior was because my father left and I was trying to fill a void. Maybe the counselor was right, but I am not sure I like to blame others for my actions. I knew what I was doing. Besides, my mother always called me "boy crazy". I was one of those kids who had a "boyfriend" in kindergarten.
But in each of these relationships, I was deeply devoted. I wanted it to last. I wanted this person to believe I was the most important person in their lives. Of course, I wasn't.
At times, it wasn't necessarily their fault that the relationship ended. Every now in then, that person would start getting on my nerves. Little quirks would show up that I couldn't get past. I would look for any reason to move on.
I'm not saying my husband is perfect. Well, he is to me, but I know he has his faults. I love him for them, though. He can be stubborn and rude to others. He changes his mind a million times before settling on an idea, only to change his mind again somewhere down the line. I kind of see it as an adventure. I never know what the next day will hold.
I think it's beautiful because I found someone that loves me no matter what mood I'm in. He can deal with my grouchiness once a month or when I am woken up from a nap. He is never cruel to me. He has not once ever raised his voice to me. I can, in turn, deal with his little faults, as well. There are times when he can tempt my nerves but it's not something I can't live with for the rest of my life. In fact, I want to.
My husband has brought upon a different view that I have of myself. He hasn't been able to erase all insecurities, though; that is left up to me. Which brings me to the worst thing that I have accomplished in my life: my own lack of self-confidence.
This is a beast all its own. I continuously doubt myself. I don't know if what I am saying right now is even appropriate. Should I share this much information? Should I put myself out there for everyone to point and stare at?
This would actually be used by some to explain my behavior in my younger years. For, if I did have confidence, I wouldn't need a man to tell me I'm beautiful or important.
For me, this could be true but it extends even beyond that. If I didn't have a planned out script of what I am supposed to say at work as a server, I wouldn't be able to perform my job. I wouldn't know what to say in the moment. Of course, I would think of something much later, when it didn't matter any more. I even stutter when I am trying to get the words out. I hate small talk. I am terrible at it. The best I can do is talk about the weather.
I have dreams that I want to follow, like everyone else, but I am afraid I will mess it all up. I have made many mistakes in my life. Any time that I try something new, I am terrified that I will fail at that, just like everything else. My life has not been a pleasant ride and I blame myself for the majority of it.
Maybe one day I can beat this beast down to a bloody pulp. But until then, I can look at my beautiful marriage and know for sure that I have done one thing right.
I never really saw myself as someone that would settle down into a marriage. In fact, I believe I was afraid of it. My parents divorced after at least fifteen years of being together. I didn't want to have to go through that. I saw how it tore my mother apart. I figured that if I never got married, I wouldn't ever have to face the possibility of that pain.
I was promiscuous to say the least, jumping from relationship to relationship. Starting at an early age, I always searched for "love in the wrong places". In fact, I had a counselor tell me when I was a teenager that my behavior was because my father left and I was trying to fill a void. Maybe the counselor was right, but I am not sure I like to blame others for my actions. I knew what I was doing. Besides, my mother always called me "boy crazy". I was one of those kids who had a "boyfriend" in kindergarten.
But in each of these relationships, I was deeply devoted. I wanted it to last. I wanted this person to believe I was the most important person in their lives. Of course, I wasn't.
At times, it wasn't necessarily their fault that the relationship ended. Every now in then, that person would start getting on my nerves. Little quirks would show up that I couldn't get past. I would look for any reason to move on.
I'm not saying my husband is perfect. Well, he is to me, but I know he has his faults. I love him for them, though. He can be stubborn and rude to others. He changes his mind a million times before settling on an idea, only to change his mind again somewhere down the line. I kind of see it as an adventure. I never know what the next day will hold.
I think it's beautiful because I found someone that loves me no matter what mood I'm in. He can deal with my grouchiness once a month or when I am woken up from a nap. He is never cruel to me. He has not once ever raised his voice to me. I can, in turn, deal with his little faults, as well. There are times when he can tempt my nerves but it's not something I can't live with for the rest of my life. In fact, I want to.
My husband has brought upon a different view that I have of myself. He hasn't been able to erase all insecurities, though; that is left up to me. Which brings me to the worst thing that I have accomplished in my life: my own lack of self-confidence.
This is a beast all its own. I continuously doubt myself. I don't know if what I am saying right now is even appropriate. Should I share this much information? Should I put myself out there for everyone to point and stare at?
This would actually be used by some to explain my behavior in my younger years. For, if I did have confidence, I wouldn't need a man to tell me I'm beautiful or important.
For me, this could be true but it extends even beyond that. If I didn't have a planned out script of what I am supposed to say at work as a server, I wouldn't be able to perform my job. I wouldn't know what to say in the moment. Of course, I would think of something much later, when it didn't matter any more. I even stutter when I am trying to get the words out. I hate small talk. I am terrible at it. The best I can do is talk about the weather.
I have dreams that I want to follow, like everyone else, but I am afraid I will mess it all up. I have made many mistakes in my life. Any time that I try something new, I am terrified that I will fail at that, just like everything else. My life has not been a pleasant ride and I blame myself for the majority of it.
Maybe one day I can beat this beast down to a bloody pulp. But until then, I can look at my beautiful marriage and know for sure that I have done one thing right.
Comments
Post a Comment